Friday, November 2, 2007

Walmart in the Morning

So yesterday my brother Chris sent me an email announcement that Walmart was having a big sale today at 8am. Normally a Walmart sale doesn’t get me fired up because there is only so many car air filters and Ex-lax one can stockpile in your underground shelter.

However, this sale was actually pretty good- they had 4 items you could choose from. The best of which was either an Acer Laptop for $398 or a Toshiba HD Dvd player for $98. I immediately became excited of the thought of seeing HD movies and was interested in that, so I decided that I would beat the crowds, and stop on my way to work, just pick up one. It would probably add 10-15 minutes to my commute.
I was wrong..

I arrived at 7:30am and proceeded to the electronics section to look for (what I assumed) the giant stack of DVD players. Let me first just say that you have to be a dedicated person to do your Walmart shopping at 7:30am. Not only are you faced with a plethora of workers that are moving like they are wearing pants full of molasses, but their combined “morning-brain-power” is that of a jellyfish. As I searched along each of the aisles, and low and behold- didn’t find it, I paused to ask a employee named (not making this up) “Danishique," where the sale items were.

Me: “Excuse me, do you know where the sale DVD players are?”

Danishique: “I nonno. (Translation: I don’t know Sir) Goasslayaway" (Translation: Go ask layaway)

Me: Nothing because she was already walking away.

So I went to “Lay Away” and lo and behold I saw it. A line of people. I was number 9 in the line. I found out quickly, through the line gossip, that A) They wouldn’t begin to sell till 8am and B) there were only 11 DVD players available.

So as I waited, I begin to observe the 8 people in line in front of me. Here is what I witnessed:

Customer #1- Super Nerd
Description: Short nerdy fellow, approximately 35-40 years old, not married (or much less has touched a woman), wearing a “Spock Rules” tshirt, carrying a HAM Radio/Police Scanner ON HIS BELT with an ear piece in his ear.
(Artists Conception)

Behavior: Very excited to be there to get both a computer and DVD player. According to his conversation with EVERYONE IN LINE (even if you weren’t talking to him or even making eye contact), he had arrived at 5am (sale started at 8am) and was glad he got there to get this awesome computer. Kept getting out of line to walk around corner (which the line was beginning to wrap around) and see how far the line had grown. (With each line check, he would remind the audience of his arrival at 5am and how glad he was that he was first.)

Customer #2- Fat Super Nerd
Description- Dude who looks EXACTLY like the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons
Behavior: Spends most of his time in line trying to get Customer #1's attention to tell him that he knew about this sale before anyone on the planet- including the management of Walmart, because he knew this guy that works in a Walmart in Arkansas. Has a large leather fanny purse that possibly holds the stick of butter he munches on to maintain his figure.

Customers #3-6- White Trash Walmart Big Spenders
Behavior: These "L.O.W."s or Ladies Of Walmart, are guarding their spot in line like its the bucket of fried chicken they consumed for breakfast that morning. They glare angrily at Customer #1 each time he leaves the line and thus his right to get the prized computers, or "Electric Etch-A-Skitches" as they fondly refer to them.

Customers #7-8- Asian Ebay Wizards
Description: Every item these two purchase is for the sole purpose of reselling.
Behavior: These two talked non stop about purchasing the computer and DVD player, and how much money they could get for it on Ebay. Showed no apparent work clothing, indicating their home business being their full time occupation, but seemed successful at purchasing items the first day they come out and selling them at small profits before Christmas. Both were surfing the internet on their phones, listening to music on their MP3 players, while talking to each other and prospective buyers/suckers on the phone. If Walmart didn't have a 1 item per customer policy, these two would have screwed me, and the 47 other people in line behind me.

Customer #9- Me
Behavior- Super cool


andrea said...

Hey's been too long. I want to hang out with the best brown people I know. I'm going out of town this weekend, but I want to see you guys soon.

Anonymous said...

Give us a call!! Shane

RC said...

this post is too funny.

i love all your dead on descriptions.

i feel like i was there...i just didn't get the dvd player (or have to wait)