A rootin' tootin time!

Ok, there is not way to get around this...but I read "Dear Abby" from time to time. She has some good insight on most things, and I am not ashamed to admit I like reading about other people's problems with a little smugness. But after reading these columns for the last few years, I found this one below to just pop out at me from the page.

DEAR ABBY: I suffer from food sensitivities. Recently, during an important yearly service at a church my daughter and I have not attended for long, I had some extremely loud and embarrassing gastrointestinal symptoms from having accidentally eaten thing cooked in soybean oil at a restaurant.

This disturbance lasted more than 15 minutes, and everyone in our small church could hear it. I am now embarrassed to return to the church, as I don't want to be remembered as the woman whose flatulence wrecked the important church service. Is there any way to save face in this situation? -- IT WAS THE SOYBEANS!

DEAR SOYBEANS: When the flatulence started happening repeatedly, you should have stepped outside until it subsided. It would have spared you some embarrassment and been less of a distraction to your fellow worshippers.

However, because your concern is your fear of being remembered as the woman whose flatulence wrecked the service, you have no choice but to go back to the church and give them something positive to remember you by. Please don't let embarrassment keep you away. I'm sure your clergyperson will back me up on this.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WRITE TO A NATIONALLY SYNDICATED ADVICE COLUMNIST TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR ATOMIC FARTS? Don't they teach that to us in Sunday school? Isn't that in the same lesson plans with the Egypt Plagues?

I am trully amazed in the fact that this person doesn't know to watch what she eats with tremendous vigor since she apparently erupts like Mt. Vesuvius, and doesn't have the foresight to maybe put her hand over her butt and run out the door...but I live in America...the greatest bunch of gas releasers in the world!

PS The graphic is posted courtesy of fart.com. An actual website.